By Steve Moody
It’s the type of ambulance call that causes every medic to groan as they are awakened from a dreamy sleep. A “Life Alert Alarm” that comes in at three o’clock – in the morning.

By and large the “three o’clock call” involves an elderly male who has gotten out of bed to go pee. And, as he stumbles to the toilet, he accidentally sets off his life alert alarm.

So, I’m doing the groan routine as I quickly get dressed and scurry towards the fire station slide pole with my partner (a female) closely behind. It doesn’t take long before we arrive on the scene of a small cottage home – typical choice of retired people.

We are met on the front porch by a female officer who says the gentleman of the home is okay. He just accidentally set off his alarm. I tell my partner, “Go ahead and take the emergency jump bag on in and I’ll go grab the clipboard out of the ambulance.”

I grabbed the clipboard and was returning to the house when out came my partner and the police officer. Both of them have a strange look on their face – large eyes and facial tone that’s just a bit on the blushed side.

My partner tells me, “The patient is okay. You go ahead and get a transport refusal signature.” I thought it was rather odd that both she and the police officer had vacated the home. And, usually the treating medic takes care of the refusal signature. But, I did as told.

As I walked into the home, there in the living room stood our patient. His name was Herman.
Herman was dressed in a white wife-beater t-shirt and a set of baby blue mid-length boxer shorts, and knee high black socks – holding a box of Ritz Bitz Crackers.

Then, I see the source of my fellow responder’s quick exit. Protruding below Herman’s mid-length boxers was his freakishly long fifth appendage. I don’t know if he was aware that his coverage was a bit lacking. To this day I wish I would’ve asked.

I got Herman’s refusal signature and made my way back out to my two awaiting co-workers. It was apparent they weren’t going to address their discovery with me. I know this because they tried to avoid my stare, indicating they knew I too had made the same discovery.

Not breaking stride, or eye contact, I asked them if they knew who this gentleman was. They both indicated “no” with the side-to-side movement of their head. I said to them, “Herman is my uncle!”

And, I’ve eaten Ritz Bitz Crackers ever since.

 

Steve Moody is the former Fire Chief in Leavenworth.